Embarking on relationships is not for the faint-hearted. Navigating through a complexity of relationship dynamics, such as family, marriage, or friendships, will leave you with profound inner transformations that will not be visible to the naked eye, sometimes not even to yourself.

Relationships bring doubts, pain, moments of happiness; they bring all that we may define as life itself. It is true that we reveal parts of ourselves, not the whole, but each on their own as a friend, a sister, a lover, a mother, a worker… at each relationship that we establish, we do not reveal the exact same person, but small parts of the self.
Different parts of our lives require different pairs of hats, which makes life not simple but rather intricate and complex.

The “other”, that being a friend, a worker, or a family member, will have us triggered sometimes, happy, feeling seen, feeling angry, disappointed, confused, doubting, and it will require different responses from you.

Why am I feeling this way?
What is it about this person that makes me feel this way?
Why does it trigger me?
How should I be responding?
Why am I reacting this way?

No matter the situation of the relationship, whether good, bad, toxic, or healthy, it will reveal parts of yourself.
It will make you know yourself. The “ I ” needs a witness to his revelation.
You may have gone through pain and heartbreak, but one thing is for sure. It revealed yourself in some type of way or form. What do you like, your dislikes …what you won’t tolerate…where do you need to set boundaries?…
Where you need to react differently…when were you the one at fault? If yes, will you decide to do differently next time?

No matter the situation, it brings you back to yourself.
To whom you are and what you are becoming.

So, upon sadness, heartbreak, disappointment from others, do not let it set you as a victim of the circumstances.
They are and only will be learnings that will bring you to self-realization.
Maybe you are someone who, after so many heartbreaks, has decided that relationships are not meant for you.
But I would say that solitude and loneliness are two different spectrums of emotions, where one can bring you comfort and peace, and the other only shields. Whatever the relations have brought to you, use them as a learning tool for self-improvement and development.

What is this particular situation teaching me?
Where do I need to wait to gain clarity?
What do I still need to learn about?

So many questions can be asked about your relationships that will be drawn back to you. Even if it’s not really about you, or you are being self-projected upon.

What are the patterns that you keep being entangled in and making you walk in circles, even in different situations?
You may notice that certain personality characteristics will keep showing up, as if they’re requesting you to pay attention to them.

We’ve all heard that opposite attracts each other.
There is an invisible line that connects opposites, that may leave you thinking there is no correlation between the two, but in reality, the root causes are the same, but in different spectrums.

You may consider all kinds of opposites. People pleaser/ narcissism, avoidant attachment/ anxious attachment, hypercritical / slacker, and so on…

For example, let us consider two completely different people.
We will call them person A and person B.
Person A is an empathic person. He is a sensitive, people- pleaser, tolerant, and very compassionate individual who normally draws to him people who are narcissistic, completely self-absorbed, like person B. Person B, very self -centered, does not have what Person A possesses.

Person B, for being who he is, makes Person A believe in some occasional situations that, for some reason, Person A is the one to blame, judging him to his benefit. From this situation, person A, after having so many recurrent patterns from many situations, has at minimum two possible responses:

1- Recognizing the games that have been played over and over. May ponder and reflect on what has been said and question the veracity of such affirmations by Person B, balancing his common knowledge and what has been said.
He may position himself by standing up for himself and setting boundaries. Understanding where he has been lacking self-compassion and empathy, not for person B but for himself, when many times, he has been pouring other people’s cups when his has been empty for so much over giving. He may ask himself why he makes excuses for other people and keeps offering understanding while none is returned to him.

 2 – He may keep ignoring the signals and does not see the patterns. Feels the blame and all the tactical manipulations person B defaults on him, and may think: ‘I should be more understanding of him. Person B has been through so much in life. I should not have said or done that.’ If it happens next time, I’ll react differently. Person A, what does not understand is that empathy and compassion without boundaries will leave you depleted and at the mercy of manipulative people like B, who knows what he can get from people like A.Person A, if he does not see beyond what Person B presents as true, wouldn’t be able to see where he, himself, has been lacking the whole time.

The lack of self -love, self-compassion, and self-esteem…

 Inflated “love’’ like narcissism and lack of self- love like People pleasers walk side by side.
The concepts are different but hide the same truth in different spectrums.
One by lacking boundaries and the other by lacking self-awareness.

It’s all lacking.
Lacking true self-love and awareness of your own boundaries that allows you to know you are failing your own unmet needs, not in a selfish way, but rather self-respectful. While the egoistic may not even do it consciously, but will keep feeding the dynamic of the situation for his own gain.

Often, it is needed for people to show us where we are lacking. When did we stop giving to ourselves to pour into others, or where should we have more balance? Balance. A simple word, but often overlooked. What parts of your relationships do you need more balance in? When our cup is full, healthy, and abundant, we pour into another cup in a healthy and balanced way with no strings attached.

When true self-love is present, there is nothing to prove.
You just are. You know who you are, what you will or won’t tolerate, when your boundaries are or are not being met, and what you truly deserve and do not deserve. The others’ cup will not complete yours, but only add value to yours.

What have you been ignoring? 

Where do you shrink yourself to belong because showing up as yourself is not valued, neither seen nor dismissed?

Observing smaller details requires us to pay attention and be present to be able to notice small nuances that reveal to us where we have been lacking balance. Remember, not only about themselves but also about you.

-Luina Fortes