Throughout my life, I have met a handful of Givers. I often would have thought of how generous they were and how beautiful and inspiring such a person is. In an individualist world, such a person is a rarity that does not go unnoticed in a group.

They are the givers in the family, community, and the holders of the group. The ones that everyone knows they can count on whenever they need a hand. For sure, you have met one, or if not, maybe you are one.

However, such rarity, revealed to me with time, is the inherent truth that comes with it. No matter the time, the inconvenience, no matter the questions asked, the answer would always be a YES.- Can you help me? -Yes, of course. No matter the person’s truthful wish or wants, they would always say yes.

Over time, what I saw as generous began to seem more like self-imprisonment than generous freedom after all. The refusal or the inability to say No made me realize that what was once a generous person was, in reality, a people-pleaser, otherwise known as a self-sacrificial person.

What hides behind a people-pleaser is the fear of what could happen if, for once, they say No to family, friends, colleagues. What lies beneath the surface is the fear of what reality could show them if they are not available to the ones they surround themselves with  – Will they stay? – Will I be loved? – Will I still be needed? 

If they looked deep within, what would they know if those same fears could talk back at them? Most of the time, people pleasers will encounter fears of rejection and abandonment, fear of criticism, fear of conflict, or even fear of not being needed. 

Would they notice the persistent willingness to satisfy everyone’s needs or wishes over their own, even when there is no reason to? When the inner self-belief derives from the belief of not being good enough, the action projects as“ I must always be good” by pleasing everyone.

Besides always being of service, there is an underlying fear of conflict or disagreement, leading the subject to ignore or diminish their feelings and thoughts, accommodating others’ ideas and opinions only to avoid others’ reactions or anger outbursts. Most commonly, these subjects were grown in environments, family out-bring where common argumentative fights or even violence were present, shutting down their inner expression in an attempt to avoid confrontations and maintain harmony.

There is an inner belief that love must be earned, that love = service, that to be loved is to be needed. Often derived from heavy emotional or physical responsibility as a young adult, the patterns repeats itself till one becomes aware that it’s not their responsibility to shoulder the burdens of other people’s well-being. Of course, not meaning a cold shoulder, but rather an understanding that their loved ones are able and responsible to take care of their own pain, as well as they can hold space for them in their times of need, by lending either emotional/physical or financial help if needed.

Although we can show love in many ways, acts of service being one of them, the problem becomes when this partial truth becomes the whole truth as an unconscious self-belief. What could be a selfless act of love, generosity becomes a self-imposed belief, derived from hidden fears that, with time, can grow into bitterness or resentment.

When love is only viewed by duties and responsibility, chances are that the individual sees love as conditional, and there is a hunger beneath the surface. The chances are that the individual lacks inner emotional nourishment, hidden behind a mask of self-sufficiency, where, in truth, there are layers of emotional needs and fears that were not met as a child by the parents.

And what normally happens is that the giver rarely receives from others, or if they do need help, they don’t know how to ask for it. It is not in their blueprint. Asking for help or showing their emotional needs would reveal vulnerability when they are the support pillar of their community. How could they? They are the resourceful ones.

Over time, the giver can grow tired because throughout their life they have been pouring into others’ cups without making sure to fill their own, depleting their own health. They give. They just give without any awareness or sense of boundaries. But the refusal to say no to others, when the body, mind, and soul truly want to but can’t because of hidden fears, will slowly grow into resentment with the world around them, swinging the pendulum to the other side if it’s not received in return.

 When they give, they unconsciously feel resentful if the same act of service is not returned.

—I will do this for you, but remember to do the same for me.— Although not always explicitly outspoken, this phrase comes in nuances hidden in pleasing acts with a tape measure. The use of a tape measure comes after a continuous act of care for others when care for self is completely depleted. But the consequence of this unconscious agenda is the distrust of their peers.

There is an unawareness of their ability to nourish others, but also themselves. What they truly don’t see is their soul asking themselves — But how about me? Will you pay attention to me? Will you also care for me? 

All resulting from not knowing how to balance acts of caring and setting boundaries between self and others. For not being able to express their needs and wants, and not being outwardly outspoken about their thoughts and feelings.

What can be a selfless act of giving becomes not so selfless, but rather people-pleasing acts with growing feelings of resentment over time, derived from a giving that comes from the mind and not the heart.

What is Cathartic for people pleasers is the realization that they, truthfully, still will be loved by those who care for them, even when they say — No, I’m sorry. I can’t. I’m not able to. Those who care for them will respect their right to have boundaries. That they can be truthful in a given No, so that whenever they say Yes, the receiver will know it comes from a place of true selflessness with no expectations, and return from a place of recognition  and gratefulness.